When Kindness Hides Control

Unlike the grandiose, attention-seeking narcissist, a covert narcissist often appears selfless, humble, or even wounded—making it harder to recognise their true nature. If you have ever felt unseen, emotionally drained, or guilty for setting boundaries with someone who seemed “so nice,” you may have encountered this dynamic.

Let’s explore what covert narcissism looks like, how it manifests in Christian communities, and how we can set godly boundaries that honour both truth and love.

What is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissists don’t seek attention through boastfulness or dominance. Instead, they manipulate through subtle tactics—guilt, passive-aggression, or self-pity. Their tactics are designed to: 

 ✔️ Control others while maintaining a facade of humility
✔️ Make you question your own feelings and experiences
✔️ Keep themselves in a position of power without appearing aggressive

They may not shout, belittle, or rage, but their methods of control are just as damaging.

How Covert Narcissism Appears in Christian Communities

Christian communities often place a high value on humility, sacrifice, and servanthood—qualities that covert narcissists exploit. They twist these virtues to manipulate others while maintaining an image of righteousness. Here’s how this may look:

1. The “Humble” Martyr

"I give and give, and no one appreciates me." 

Covert narcissists may present themselves as selfless servants, but their "giving" often comes with silent expectations. When others fail to meet their unspoken demands, they sulk, withdraw, or subtly punish you with guilt.

✔️ Red flag: You feel obligated to meet their needs, even when it drains you.

2. The Spiritual Gaslighter

"I don’t remember saying that—you must be misunderstanding me."

Gaslighting is a favourite tactic of covert narcissists. They deny, twist, or rewrite reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. In a Christian setting, they may use scripture to silence your concerns, implying that you are "unforgiving" or "unloving" for setting boundaries.

✔️ Red flag: You start second-guessing yourself and feel confused after interactions.

3. The Manipulative Encourager

"God told me you should serve more in this ministry."

Some covert narcissists mask control as spiritual guidance. They might tell you that your reluctance to comply with their expectations means you’re "not trusting God enough" or "quenching the Spirit."

✔️ Red flag: You feel pressured to comply, fearing that saying no makes you a "bad Christian."

4. The Perpetual Victim

"I’ve been so hurt by others... I just need people who truly care."

They paint themselves as constantly misunderstood, subtly making others feel responsible for their emotional well-being. This tactic makes it difficult to express your own needs or step away from their demands.

✔️ Red flag: You feel guilty when you try to create space or prioritise your own needs.

Jesus Set Boundaries—So Can You

Jesus was compassionate, but He was never manipulated. He set clear boundaries while still loving others. Here’s how we can follow His example:

1. Recognise the Tactics (Matthew 7:15-16)

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit, you will recognize them."

Covert narcissists often appear kind, selfless, or even deeply spiritual—making their manipulation difficult to detect. Jesus warned us to look beyond appearances and examine the fruit of someone’s life. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling guilty, drained, or full of self-doubt, pay attention. 

True godly relationships bring peace and clarity, not confusion and chaos.

✔️ Ask yourself: Does this person’s actions align with their words? Do they display humility and love, or do they subtly manipulate and control while maintaining a “righteous” image?

2. Say "No" Without Guilt (Matthew 5:37)

"Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’"

Jesus calls us to be clear and honest. If someone reacts negatively to your healthy boundary, that does not mean you are wrong—it means they benefited from your lack of one.

✔️ Example boundary:
"I care about you, but I can’t continue this conversation when my feelings are dismissed."

3. Guard Your Emotional Energy (Proverbs 4:23)

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Your energy and peace matter to God. You are not required to fix, rescue, or endlessly pour into someone who depletes you. Jesus often withdrew from the crowds to pray and recharge (Luke 5:16). You can step away too.

✔️ Practical step: Take time away from emotionally exhausting relationships. Let go of guilt.

4. Detach with Love (Luke 10:10-11)

Jesus told His disciples to "shake the dust off their feet" when leaving places that rejected the truth. You don’t have to fight or convince a covert narcissist. You can step back peacefully.

✔️ Example statement:
"I love and respect you, but I need space in this relationship to focus on what God is calling me to."

Healing & Moving Forward

If you've been affected by covert narcissistic behaviour, you are not alone. You are not unkind for noticing, you are not selfish for stepping away, and you are not un-Christlike for setting boundaries.

Healing takes time, but God is with you. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

 ✔️ Surround yourself with truth – Spend time in scripture and uplifting friendships.
✔️ Seek wise counsel – A godly mentor or professional can help untangle the confusion.
✔️ Give yourself grace – Healing from manipulation takes time. Be patient with yourself.

You are worthy of relationships that reflect God's love, not manipulation. 💛

Need Extra Support?

If this post resonated with you and you’d like help navigating relationships, setting boundaries, or rebuilding after emotional abuse, I’m here to support you.

➡ Book an online counselling session where we can explore your experience in a safe and faith-filled space. Together, we’ll develop practical strategies for emotional and spiritual healing.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Jesus offers healing, wisdom, and rest. Step into the peace He has for you.

➡ Click here to learn more and book a session.